When Help is Offered, Black Women Need Multiple Choice Options

We can dismantle the strong Black woman trope by normalizing how to receive help, whether the problem is clear or blurry.

When societal expectations ask that Black Women have all the answers, it makes it challenging to know how and when to ask for help. Sometimes it's difficult to assess when help is needed until mental and emotional symptoms are severe.

Understanding the Problem

Culturally it is often insinuated that Black women are superwomen; the world both covertly and overtly suggests for Black women to "manage up" and fill in the gaps in their families, communities, and organizations. Planning, delegating, facilitating, and organizing fall on the shoulders of a singular person. There are disparities in supervision and mentorship in predominantly White spaces where the expectation is for women of color to fulfill responsibilities outside of their job description without compensation or title change; this is a by-product of White supremacy that negates Black pain and humanity.

It is challenging to find an ally in various settings due to the perception that there is a scarcity of both resources and space at the metaphorical table of power and privilege. There is a bias that society only has room for one Black woman in leadership positions due to fears of larger systems being held accountable when people of color have strength in numbers. This results in Black women questioning their own insight and judgement. Internalized racism creates comparison, opposition, and adversaries with other Black and Brown people. Microaggressions, masking and code-switching influence an additional layer of stress and anxiety on top of typical professional pressures and tension within job roles. Thus creating a survival response of concealing when help is needed. Survival implies requiring clarification, assistance or accommodation is a weakness that is seen as insubordinate.

Step 1 Offer only if you're serious

If you praise a Black woman's strength without offering a way to alleviate the weight, you are a part of the problem; you are a part of the weight. Recognize when you have imposed unrealistic expectations on extorting the gifts of Black women. Think of the metaphor of a new town being planted. Imagine one member being revered for tireless efforts and working to improve the community. People gather in awe and amazement, leaving their tools on the ground, being mesmerized by HER craftsmanship. Blindness allows only seeing the carpenter's strength and the finished product of the town. The town applauds and commends the efforts of the strong woman, and resides happily in her creations, quickly taken for granted without thanks. Empty words of gratitude are expressed, and an expectation that they will save the day once again when repair is needed. Observers and spectators marvel at the work but do not offer a break, nourishment, relief, or reprieve. When will the Black woman hear, "I can take it from here." Historically and presently, Black women have been the backbone of this nation while other parts of the body are inactive.

For those who desire to be allies, when you offer help, mean it. Volunteering to assist others needs follow-through. It is not a polite phrase to say to fill the silence or to ease guilt. If you need to learn how to help, ask how you can. Whether there are obvious, subtle, or invisible signs that your intuition is picking up on, first, be realistic about what is in your means. Do not be offended when your support is declined. Help is only sometimes trusted. It can carry implications of negative beliefs that someone is not enough or has been exposed. When expected to save the day, being asked to receive help can feel like negative feedback. Be ready to listen before imposing your beliefs or interfering with action. Additionally, be willing to hear barriers that make people believe they cannot receive help or are beyond help. Do not tell someone their feelings are not real. Recognize your capacity. Shedding light on exhaustion, burn-out, overwhelm, fatigue, depression, and anxiety is vulnerable and a realization that helps slow down over-performance. Letting someone know you are available, even if they do not take you up on it immediately, is a way for them to know you are a point of reference in the future.

What is help? Help is offering to sit silently beside someone in a valley season. It expresses interest in taking a task off their plate when they have overbooked themselves. A gesture, kind word, a warm embrace, acknowledgment, credit, appreciation, collaboration, and unity are all a part of helping; and creating space for parts of their identity that are often overlooked, for example, an activity that requires softness rather than duty.

Brainstorming, pro-con lists, prayer, and the five love languages are all needed nurturing; quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, and physical touch. Lastly, offering hope and believing a Black woman's right to fragility before idealizing her resilience. There is a myth for Black women that their worth is their work, and denying themselves feelings, ailments, or rest proves their value.

Step 2 Create a dialogue before help is needed

Don't wait until a crisis to learn more

Whether a partner, friend, colleague, neighbor, family member, or associate, it's always a good time to inventory our relational needs. Take the time to have open conversations with new and familiar people in your life to ask how they like receiving love and support. Address what underlying symptoms and signs had historically gone unnoticed when one or both of you needed care.

Name your strengths, for example, "Hey friend, I am really into giving people cards and personal crafts to express empathy when I know someone is struggling. Would that be helpful for you, or are you in need of something different?"

Another example is, "I know I can be direct and outspoken in our relationship. Has that been helpful or do you need more/less of something else?"

Many relationships end because unmet needs and unknown concerns snowball out of proportion. Asking things like "what support has felt the most helpful in our relationship" gives a reference point to a practice that may have been overlooked.

Simple gestures go a long way. Acknowledge the struggle rather than habitually commenting on how you don't know how someone gets so much accomplished with so little help; think about how you can assist next time. Generational narratives glamorize the Black matriarch and her ability to work alone and endure. Extending help is not self-serving; it is collective healing.

Also, contrarily sometimes refraining from helping, is help. I remember after the George Floyd murder many White women reached out to me with an apology and kind sentiments through social media. I was annoyed. If individuals had conversations with me beforehand about what support I needed in relationship to anti-Black violence and racial trauma, they would have known how I needed to be communicated with at those times. My racial identity is a part of my being, and I include it in my conversations with people of all races. I use this example because if I have a White acquaintance and we have not spoken about race, there is a reason for that reality. Some people are not safe helpers. If trust has not been earned there will be limitations to attempts to help. Do not wait until the crisis to get involved, be concerned even when it isn't trending.

White people, speak up and address discrimination and prejudice when you see it.

Family, when you see one person holding everyone together, step in and take part in the holding.

Step 3- Help the helper

Energetically, as a Black woman and therapist, I recognize my symptoms of holding too much. My tells are racing thoughts, speaking quickly, irritability, overwhelm, tightness in my chest, and sighing. When holding space for a person of color, it is important to recognize that asking for help directly goes against survival. After receiving guidance, it is not uncommon to fear burdening, resulting in guilt, inferiority, and insecurity. It is vital to check in with yourself after helping another person to prioritize restoring and rejuvenating to refill the emotional deposits lent to another person. As my mother says, when helping someone, do not over-season your message. Help within your means, and be honest if you've taken on too much. Check in as you help, to make sure you are not crossing a boundary. If you have offered to help someone and they volunteer you for something that's outside of your means, let them know what can be done alternatively. And do not use the help you have given against someone in the future, or consider a one-time gesture enough. Many hands make light work.

Helpers are able to de-center their own experience, relinquish judgement, hold curiosity, extend empathy, and care intentionally.

Tips for offering help

• Speak to the observation that makes you think the person needs help

I noticed you are carrying a lot right now and want to check-in.

• Ask if it would be okay to make the offering.

Would it be okay if I offer some support?

• Offer examples of how you might be of help

I understand I can't change your experience, and there are limitations as to what I can do, but what I can do is_______________ or ______________________.

• Set intention to follow up to see if the person is okay

I'm going to follow up with you at this time just to see how things are going, if that's okay.

• Ask if not you, who and where the person might seek support from

If I am not the right person for this, that's fine, but let's find out who it is.

• Validate feelings

I want to acknowledge your feelings are real and you have the right to everything you are feeling.

• Ask for clarification pertaining to the suspected problem

I may be off base; correct me if I am wrong, but is it this? Do you want me to only listen, or assist in finding solutions?

• See if it is a good time for the person to disclose

Would this be a good time to check-in, if not, when would it be?

• Allow for privacy and confidentiality.

I commit to you that everything you say to me will be held in confidence, unless you need my help advocating for additional care.

• Allow for autonomy.

Thanks for letting me check in; I know you mentioned you don't need my help. If the day comes, just let me know.

Why would I write this piece for my February blog series? For the end of Black History Month, I wanted to speak to a personal struggle of mine, receiving help. Not because I do not want it, but rather, I don't always know the options. My goal is to vulnerably share that when people ask me how they can help, I often do not know the answer. I feel tested when asked for help, and look for a multiple choice prompt.

Alyson Davis, can I help you with:

A. A laugh

B. Inspiration

C. Solidarity in your anger

D. Escapism talks about our dreams

E. All of the Above

As people, we don't always know what we need, but we know when something is off, and we need, well, something. This blog was made specifically for Black women today, but I am hoping it is relatable to all who are reading it. This is for Black women supporting other Black women, women of color, and allies. Strength, resilience, and radical resistance sometimes feel like bad words to me because it feels like an acknowledgement of heaviness and depleted reservoirs. To be seen and supported makes a difference. Rather than the Strong Black Woman, I want the Covered and Held Black Woman; kept both in words and action.