Little Pink & White Sticks

Fertility stigmas and misconceptions

Getting pregnant is a science. Like some science classes, sometimes it feels like you are failing before you get started. Precision, calculation, and exact timing influence the desired outcome, often correlated to factors outside of one's control or unbeknownst underlying conditions. It seems like those who are trying not to get pregnant do, and those who are trying don't. Many women are ridiculed and shamed for having unplanned pregnancies before they are ready fiscally or in a stable partnership. However, in other instances, women are shamed by medical providers and families when they have reached their 30's+ and do not have active plans to expand their family. Waiting may feel like a punishment rather than being "responsible." The infamous biological clock is a contributing factor for some women wanting to find a relationship in a certain time window. I've had clients leave a doctor's appointment in tears due to being prodded with questions about freezing their eggs with threats of a lost opportunity. Alternatively, clients with historically conservative families find some relatives suddenly changing their stance on children before marriage out of impatience, making individuals feel rushed and used.

Mindful approaches to motherhood

When someone confides in a friend about their fertility journey, it doesn't mean they expect that person to be the expert in their experience. If the person they are telling has been able to have children naturally, it is not the time to compare notes and delve into sex positions, diets, or wellness hacks unless otherwise asked.

Whether someone has been trying for one month or two years, allow space for excitement, anticipation, disappointment, and longing. Be mindful not to minimize or negate a person's experience due to their age or how long they have been trying. Extend honesty if you receive the information and do not feel like you can hold space for someone's fertility journey. Telling someone not to think about it or to want it less isn't the magic solution to pregnancy. Every 'body' is different; what worked for one person doesn't mean it will work for someone else. Many of us, due to the limited knowledge, equate unprotected sex as the gateway to pregnancy. However, statistically there is the possibility of chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, or unsuccessful attempts. When women dream about having a family, they seldom think of the chance that it won't happen. Similarly to waiting for a partner, women may hear, "when you stop looking, they will come." However, that's not necessarily true. It is possible to continuously look forward to conceiving and not interfere with your chances of pregnancy. It is healthy to dream and desire. Optionally one can look at their outlook concerning stress. For instance, if someone is looking to get healthier to get pregnant, don't equate the wellness journey to pregnancy. If so, it becomes a short-term goal designated to end after carrying a pregnancy to term. It can also result in blame and body shaming when weight loss and improved health goals do not result in pregnancy. Rather create wellness goals for longevity for life to be there for your family as long as possible. That way, when pregnancy doesn't happen right away, the body and wellness journey is not blamed; rather they are an ally/ assets to the process.

Period grief

A woman's relationship with her menstrual cycle is complicated during this time. Though a consistent cycle is desired for pregnancy, when each month is an opportunity to conceive, a period that already impacts mood can be a somber reminder of a lost dream. When navigating fertility concerns, a period can create mixed feelings of false hope and, the body can feel like it's teasing the person. Pregnancy can feel like something the body was literally made to do; for some, it influences the relationship between femininity and womanhood. There is also a psychological toll. Suddenly women can find themselves reading into physical symptoms that previously ignored. Ovulation and implantation symptoms can also mirror PMS symptoms, creating distrust in the body and one's perception of what's happening. Sometimes women deny their periods and convince themselves that it is heavy implantation bleeding. Women sometimes confess to taking a test even when the result was not plausible, but they had to see the result to believe it.

Friendship and fertility

Not every woman is looking to adopt.

Refrain from recommendations and worst case scenarios. Volunteering to carry someone's baby, offering adoption, surrogacy, IVF or IUI are not appropriate immediate solutions. There are financial and physical barriers to various alternative options. Because someone has it in their heart to become pregnant, it does not equate the desire to be an adoptive parent. It is also not advised to tell someone to stop trying or that they are trying incorrectly. People do not need to hear about other options and opinions unless otherwise asked. Allow a person to initiate the telling of their story if they choose. Women's relationships with their bodies can change when trying to conceive. Some question whether their weight, underlying condition, family history, diet, exercise regimen, egg count, or age is THE problem. For women trying to conceive, speak with an affirming medical provider who is culturally sensitive to your identity. Friends do not need to be secondary WebMD. What friends can do is lend a listening ear, not make the process about themselves, and continuously ask for what is needed in the relationship. There may be a part of a friend or family member that thinks they need to tell a loved one all the things they feel they need and wish someone had told them; however, give space for the person to have their own experience.

Intimacy and procreating

Ideally, sex is a fun, spontaneous, liberating, autonomous, freeing experience that allows you to connect with your partner in a uniquely. However, trying to conceive can make sex feel like a job. A baby on the brain can subsequently cause one or both members of a couple not to be present and dissociate on hoping for a specific outcome, affecting orgasm, libido, or willingness to have sex. Intimacy can become synonymous with trying, weakening the desire for physical closeness. It is okay to take a break from trying. Trying to get pregnant can ironically cause a disconnect in relationships. My recommendation if fertility feels like it is beginning to consume a relationship:

• Get checked out: I recommend extending some of the burden to the medical care team. Get answers from a doctor to know whats happening in the body. You do not have to wait six months to a year. You can talk to your doctor at any time. In addition consider holistic practitioners and non-traditional methods and remedies.

• Get freaky: take some time to focus on spicing up your sex life; similar to wellness goals, don't equate sex to a chore solely used to make a baby. Rather, sex is a way to center the relationship, so the future parents-to-be remain in sync to honor their identity in relation to their children, and prioritize their relationship as a couple. Not every couple depends on sex in a relationship; however, for those who value sex, it is essential to prioritize sexual health pre and post baby. This way, both partners don't feel used but seen.

• Join a TTC (Trying to Conceive) Group on social media platforms. Sometimes it is friendly to dialogue with other people trying to get pregnant and talk about it as much as you want with people who love hearing about it.

• Individual/ couples therapy: talk to a professional about concerns and hopes. Tending to mental health individually and as a couple will only benefit every member of your family including, your baby. Babies will only exacerbate underlying relational issues; while planning to get pregnant, also plan to strengthen your relationship. Navigating the stressors that occur while trying to get pregnant can add strengths and tools for the couple to better equip themselves when exploring the unknowns of parenting. Redefine the waiting period as healthy-family- preparation.

*If you are not partnered and trying to conceive, focus on creating your tribe of support that you want to aid in the raising of your child- family of origin, chosen family, spiritual community, etc.*

There are many highs and lows to trying to conceive, and some experience fluctuations in days or hours. For both those trying to get pregnant/ support someone trying to get pregnant:

1. Validate the desire to become a parent.

2. Celebrate the excitement.

3. Normalize disappointment.

4. Challenge intrusive thought patterns of worthlessness and shame.

5. Rely on both the medical care team and social support.